Friday, June 18, 2010

one with the Universe...

(I warn, this may be hard to read. Not as hard as it was writing it.)


Walking home from a day of long hours, on a shoot tonight, I realized I'd be by my computer around 12:45am tonight. From the newspaper articles I've been reading on your death, that was the same exact time, forty-eight hours ago, when you died. I remember being on the phone with Nelson, talking about following our life's passions, exactly forty-eight hours ago, not knowing you were in Norwalk taking your last ride.
The newspaper also said that your motorcycle (which many people, including myself didn't know you'd purchased) hit a curb, became airborne, and landed in an intersection. You didn't have a license for the bike, nor were you wearing a helmet, and your were pronounced dead on arrival. These are the facts...
Rudi, I'm angry. I'm livid. I'm pissed because deep in my heart I feel this didn't have to happen. I don't know what made you purchase the fucking thing, nor do I know what made you get on it forty-eight hours ago. All I know is you are gone...
I've been trying to use detachment as a way of coping with this all. It's still so surreal. I would deflect my sadness onto others I saw as being closer to you than I...Fedler, Tommy, Jimmy, your family...I would say things to myself like, "But they must really be feeling it." Yea, well bullshitting myself has officially ceased because in reality, few people were as close to you as I was.
I have been fortunate enough as to have you in my life as a best friend, BEST FRIEND all through college, lover, and boyfriend for a short while. Few people on this Earth know my ins and outs the way you do, and the love you had for me was unconditional, eternal, and sometimes scary. Just keeping it real.
I'm getting many messages from people, some I've never met, who are genuinely worried about me. I feel like I'm in a bit of a fish bowl and I was so close that it was too close. I feel like people see, or speak with me, and it's one of the closest connections they have to you. For some, it's too much to handle, especially if I break down.
Truthfully, I'm scared. I'm scared of myself and what my reaction(s) are going to be as time goes on. I'm terrified of the possibility of seeing your lifeless body, and trying to cope with the idea that I will not hear your voice, from you. I'm nervous to see Josh, Fedler, Kennedy...I am so fucking scared.
I cannot bring myself to write an RIP, or to sign a message like this on your Facebook page. Within hours, your updates and life, turned into a shrine of memories. I can't fathom that.
There are too many memories to name. We knew everything about each other and there are intimate moments that only you and I can recollect. Josh and I spoke about how you aren't going to be around to see him and Chanel wed. I told him about your 'affection' and how I still have it. I think I'm going to bring it to the wake.
Rudi, this is tearing me apart because I truly feel this didn't have to occur. You were on your way. It was evident to us all.
I truly feel, I can say that no one knows your passion for DJing like me. As you've told me on many occasion, I take the crown on that one. I may have bought that first lesson, but YOU kept going with it. You took it to another level. When everyone else thought you were crazy, you knew I was there and had your back 100%. That was how we rolled. I am so proud of you. And, in your passing, if there is one thing I am truly happy for it's that you are being noted as a DJ!!! That is your legacy. You would have it no other way.
In my eyes, you were always a DJ, but more importantly you were a best friend. You are now the most official guardian angel I could ever ask for. I don't worry because you can protect me now in a way far beyond the reach of anything you could have done while in your physical shell. You are now a part of the Universe that I would talk to you about in length. All my Law of Attraction talk, that you eventually started to play with on your own. You are truly one with the Universe. Forever.
I ask for you to look over me during your services. I really don't want to pass out, and you know how I do with the anxiety attacks. I remember you telling me that I got them because I was a genius, and I thought to much.
I ask for you to just give me strength and guidance through all future trials and tribulations, this one now...being you. Your energy is with me always. I love you!

V, Vivi, Verbal...Evita

Donations to his family can be made at