Sunday, June 28, 2009

NYC gaijing...

I find myself feeling quite different from those in my immediate surrounds recently. I have been feeling the need to slightly revert into the abyss that is my computer, my life, my thoughts. I haven't written recently as often, which is always the first tell tale sign that I need to.

All in all, I have had a dope weekend. Sleep calls my name, but my creative literary juices are flowing and I may have to start this week with a little less rest than expected. I have learned a lot about people this weekend through watching, and mainly listening. Some people are becoming more comfortable with where they are, and others are already mentally living somewhere else. Not to say one is better than the other...just different and I think quite telling of how the next few months are going to really change.

Friday night, after learning of MJ's death (which will have it's own video/blog installation soon) a group of us decided to head to the beach to relax and watch the sun go down. We sat for hours, speaking about travels, goals, lack of sex, etc... As usual, for some reason, George and I got into our own personal epiphanies and philosophies on life. This always happens when we get together and I love him for it. He doesn't know how much he challenges my views by merely asking, why? I love it because it reaffirms the love I have for the things I want to achieve. I have definitely had pointed moments in conversation that will be memory benchmarks when I look back on this journey. Friday was mellow.

Saturday I slept the day away in prep for the bartending that night. Missed out on the festivities of Northern Lights due to work obligations but damn I had no idea what I was in store for at Shame. Shame is the after hours spot. The only other time I had been there it was pretty empty. Little did I know I was walking into a hip hop dance showcase. The dance teams were dope and seeing Japanese artists sing R&B songs was at times laughable but cool as shit. I felt like I had a piece of my home and my culture in this outer Universe that is Japan. It felt amazing to dance to the music that I have personal connections to. To see these Japanese faces singing along to my favorite hip hop tracks was humbling. Music is the Universal language. It brought me together with emcees, dancers, and Djs that live in Japan but find me to be some oracle having arrived from it's birthplace, the Bronx.

There's always a bit of "swag" (I hate that word) that a New Yorker emits. Here, they rip it out of you. The see my skin, touch my curls, dig my style, mimic my accent, and love me. They truly love me for a second. For another second I love them. Saturday felt like a gift was presented to me. It was the demographic I have been searching for to help build my business. It was the assurance I needed to know that I need not run away from Niigata. Even here, there is a bit of home...

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."
Vernon Sanders Law

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

Hot off being annoyed at Kelis' comments on running out of money after her split with Nas, I found my light. (I still can't believe this bish had no Plan B.)

As far as Hollywood couples are concerned, there is one that remains consistent as being the prototype for the type of marriage I would want in the future. After 11 years of marriage, they are still arguably one of the sexiest couples in Hollywood. They are each others advocates, supporters, and lovers no matter where their careers lead them. That speaks volumes!

This article (taken from epitomizes what I want in a life-long relationship. Their passion for one another is unbreakable.



Jada Pinkett Smith visited the Late Night Show With Dave Letterman last night in New York to promote her new role as a nurse on the new TNT Drama “Hawthorne”. Even Will Smith came out in casual attire to support his wife as she signed autographs for fans outside.

Funny thing is, lately I’ve been wondering how they’ve managed to keep their marriage intact for 11 years when celebrity marriages are going to shambles left and right. (re: Nas & Kelis, Usher & Tameka). In a recent interview with Redbook, she reveals tips for keeping the relationship hot:

Nice outfits and high heels! And talking. And making time. You’ve got to make time. Our men want to feel important. We want to feel important. So it’s about establishing an environment in which that can happen. It can be hard because we get caught in the grind of life. Establish relationships with family members or friends and take turns with each other’s kids so you can make that time for yourselves. It doesn’t take a lot of money - wallets are tight right now - so just simple stuff. A night walk? Man, do I love those. Or pack a lunch and go to the park, like Will and I did. Even a drive - and then pull over on the side of the road! Think of places outside that are comfortable to have sex. Does he have access to his office? Have a fantasy date. Be his secretary! Be sneaky. Your girlfriend’s house at a party. The bathroom! A guest bedroom! Just switch it up. Anything like that can keep it going. Anything it takes to keep the flame alive.

Can you imagine walking in on your friend getting her back blown out by her husband in your guest room? The horror! ..but whatever makes the marriage work. She also stated in a recent interview with Ebony that they will never divorce.

"When Will asked me to get married, I said, ‘Understand this, there will be no divorce. So, you might be in one bedroom and I might be in another, but we’re gonna be under the same roof and we’re gonna be married”.

Next up, my favorite couple in the world of politics...Barack and Michelle Obama.

What do you mean, you're broke?

This article on TMZ pisses me off. How do you:
1- not have a plan B?
2- go from being where you were in a career like Kelis' and not have SHIT to show for it?

I'm sorry, famous or not. As an independent woman, this is not cute.

Kelis claims estranged hubby Nas has left her high and dry ... not offering her a penny in the wake of her impending birth ... and she says she's broke -- "I have run out of money."

Kelis filed legal papers claiming Nas isn't paying her support, pre-natal expenses -- nothing, even though she claims he is filthy rich.

Kelis is asking the judge to order Nas to pay spousal support, child support, all pregnancy-related expenses, and one-half of all medical expenses after the child is born. She also wants $3,500 for the baby nurse after the child's birth, and $20,000 for strollers, cribs and other baby supplies.

Kelis says, "My survival is based on [Nas'] will at this time. If he does not want to pay for an expense, it does not get paid." The couple was married in 2003. The baby is due this month.

Kelis says she's entitled to maintain the lifestyle to which she became accustomed during their marriage -- they have five homes, fly first class, go to fancy restaurants, and on and on. Most interesting -- "There were many expensive pieces [of jewelry] such as a princess-cut diamond tennis bracelet that was recently appraised for $190,000. My engagement ring is an approximately nine-carat cushion-cut diamond solitaire. I have numerous watches...such as Cartier, Rolex, Frank Muller and Chopard."

Her lawyer, disso-queen Laura Wasser, says in a separate declaration she's asked Nas to ante up some $$$ for Kelis and the unborn baby but he hasn't responded.

Friday, June 12, 2009

heightened neurosis...

I have brought it up in past blogs and conversations, I am re-reading "The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times" by Pema Chodron. This is my second go round at it and I have to say I'm internalizing it more the second time. I know this because I am in quite a fear inducing circumstance and (unlike me) I didn't highlight much the first time. I opened this book again and I could have mistaken it for new.

Over the last month I have highlighted, bolded, noted, and underlined so many passages that I understand more now with maturity. Today, I had one chapter hit me like the brick that it was. I'm nearly in completion of this read and there it was....staring at me. It was exactly what I am going through and an explanation for it. It read, in the chapter titled "Heightened Neurosis":

"Moving in the direction of nothing to hold onto is daring. We will not initially experience it as a thrilling, alive, wonderful way to be. How many of us feel ready to interrupt our habitual patterns, our almost instinctual ways of getting comfortable?

We might assume that as we train in bodhichitta, our habitual patterns will start to unwind- that day by day, month by month, we'll be more open minded, more flexible, more of a warrior. But what actually happens with ongoing practice is that our patterns intensify. In vajrayana Buddhism this is called "heightened neurosis". It's not something we do on purpose. It just happens. We catch the scent of groundlessness and despite our wishes to remain steady, open, and flexible, we hold on tight in very habitual ways.

This is the experience of anyone who ever set out on the path of awakening. All those smiling enlightened people you see in pictures or in person had to go through the process of encountering their full-blown neurosis, their methods of looking for ground. When we start to interrupt our ordinary ways of calling ourselves names and patting ourselves on the back, we are doing something extremely brave. Slowly we edge toward the open state, but let's face it, we are moving toward a place of no hand-holds, no footholds, no mindholds. This may be called liberation, but for a long time it feels like insecurity.

There it is, the "I" word. Two points I want to make.

1- The beginning of this passage touches on why I may not seem ultra enthused about Japan when people constantly ask me about it. It's because this shit it hard. Taking yourself by the balls, squeezing, and trying to put a smile on your face for the spectators is hard to do, if not impossible. It's hard when your coping mechanisms that you've been using your whole life start to falter.

2- I pride myself on keeping it honest with my readers, so I will stay true to form. For awhile now (I'd say since early May), I have been dealing with the issue of insecurity. More recently it's gotten to the point where it's affecting my actions. Strong Evita, has had the ground shifted from under her and is in the process of rebuilding her foundation. I want attention more. I seek it more. I yearn to hear that I am beautiful, sexy, smart, capable, and remembered. I need reassurance that I am, in fact, wanted and lusted for. I feel clingy and out of control. I am jumping to conclusions. I am not "me". Honestly. What I found in this passage was an understanding as to why I am going through this now. I knew the situation was compounded, but reading the philosophy behind it gave me a bit of strength in knowing that I am not losing it here. Everyone knows me as strong, independent, brave, etc...Evita. When for the last month, I have felt not a bit of any of it. I have felt fearful, insecure, anxious, and secluded.


Thursday, June 11, 2009

6 weeks left....workout progression

I'm bloated.

I'm not sure why I chose to do the update today, because that fact, but if this is how I am bloated then I'm better any other day. I don't know if I necessarily see any difference in these pics from my post on Day 1 but, as promised, I am keeping you updated on the progression.

I do not think I have lost any actual weight, but I do think I may have converted some thigh weight over to muscle.

The changes I have noticed are:

1- I function better throughout the day since implementing protein into my breakfast, and since really sticking to my running.

2- My running workout is beginning to get easier to do, including lunges uphill.

3- The influx in female hormones throughout the month is really starting to show itself in my energy level, sleeping patterns, and snacking habits.

This is the end of week two. I run 4-5 times a week,m even when I am exhausted and regardless of weather.

I need to modify my workout. Something has to change in order to make it more challenging and new to my body. I am open to any recommendations you all may have. I have posted my actual workout below, so you know exactly what I am doing. I want to start the changes on Monday. I was thinking getting up about a half hour earlier every morning and doing my 20 min pilates DVD. I admit, I haven't been stretching anywhere as much as I need to.

and I will need to be flexible when i get back to New York......ahhh sex.

Current workout:

25-30 mins running- starts on flatland and goes up steep hills, within running I switch over to uphill lunges at the inclines
5-10 min of two step climbs. These steps are huge. It's like another form of lunge going up stair instead of hills.
Walk 5 mins before and after workout

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Sunday, June 7, 2009

pay attention to the message, despite the messenger...

this weekend was one of meaningful dialogue.
people may not know this, but in being a writer you pay attention to everything people say to you. subconsciously, words become jewels. i pick pieces from every one that i have the pleasure of taking part in. many times, through other people's words, i find myself.

i was taught a very powerful lesson as an adolescent:

pay attention to the message, despite the messenger.

sometimes the Universe has a way of needing to get information to you. it's your responsibility to be open to it. advice can come from a friend, an enemy, a teacher, a homeless person...and of course yourself. with that, we must always remain open to the elements, and what they may bring. this weekend i had my ears open and bookmarked certain conversations in my brain. Bare with me as some of these people don't speak very good English.

with Mike at Ninomiyas residence and garden after I explain that i am not religious, but spiritual. i also got into how i preferred Eastern philosophies to the Western world. Makiko is a special needs teacher i work with at one of my schools. Mike is her very dapper (think Japanese version of Sean Connery) English speaking friend.

Makiko " What is spirituality?"
Me "That's a hard question to answer. I feel that religion is exclusive. It is broken down into many denominations, all as more of a way to exclude other people and to feel like one is right or wrong. To me, that is not right. I am spiritual, not religious. I prefer spirituality because I feel that it is all-inclusive. Anyone can be spiritual without being a specific religion."
Mike "Japanese people are very spiritual. We find God in everything. We find it in the flowers in this garden, in the trees, the sun..."
Me "Yea. In my new routine, there are few times when it hits me that I am really in Japan. This is one of those times." Staring into the garden, and the water behind it, I felt myself about to cry. Mike spoke, "Shall we move on?"
Me "Definitely."

we listened to Jazz the whole way back downtown and i had a profound respect for the people in this car. twice my age. dressed in business suits just to meet me and take me to a garden. i sat there, emotionally awakened, in jeans, Chuck Taylors, and Obama earrings.

online with Jey
jeyscott46: you are made to be international......worldwide...
me: i was putting the mission statement and my bio together again yesterday and had a OMG moment
thank you
i wrote
that by the age 25 i have visited four countries, on 3 different continents, and lived in 3 different continents
jeyscott46: :-)
me: i had to's like it hit me
jeyscott46: i havent lived in 3 different states!
that is amazing
but i couldnt see it any other way....i told you even at A&E I was like what is she doing here?.....u know evie alot of people dont ever realize their own power....the way you have..
me: aw thank you
these experiences sometimes make me feel weak
it's emotionally draining
but when i get through obstacles i feel like i am stronger than i ever thought
jeyscott46: yeah...;p)
me: funny my best friend, who i consider my hero Bethany has lived everywhere
this woman is insane
and i told her that no matter how monumental the moves are that i make in life, i still get emotinal about stupid shit
jeyscott46: yeh ive caught a glimpse of her doings thru your blogs....
me: like men
yea i talk about her all the time
she said that she thinks it's what keeps us humble
we still have emotions and the men still fuck us up lol
jeyscott46: i agree...if you didnt you wouldnt be you...
me: yea
but at the end of the day, when i look in the mirror, and i write
i know i have to be doing this
no matter the cost now, the benefits in the long run will be worth it
jeyscott46: oh of course...what your getting has no pricetag
me: huh Does it? shit
i think people forget the sacrifices that come along with going for your dream
that's where your true strength is tested
jeyscott46: and the bigger picture....these experiences will cascade through you guys children and their children.......
me: what i am finding is love, the real shit, support you even if it means physical distance between the people involved
i honeslty dont understand how some people canget married etc in their early 20s
jeyscott46: i definately agree.....for true love.....
me: there is soooo much to see
jeyscott46: and if the other is expanding....
me: and people need to be at a point where they are content with themselves fully before giving themselves fully to another
goals need to be met
parenthood as well
i'm too selfish right now
jeyscott46: oh no doubt
some peole never get there cuz they've never experienced anything
they think there is something will have experienced so much by the time you know you want to ground yourself

with Naoki at Niigata University
Naoki "You are very optimist person. I want to be like you."
Me "Aww. Thank you. o what is your dream? Do you want to be a Math teacher forever?"
Naoki "No, I want to travel the world, especially America. I want to see New York."
Me "So after you get your Master's, why don't you apply to teach Japanese in New York?"
Naoki "Very difficult."
Me "So."
Naoki "In Japan, you work in one job forever. It is not good to move around or get fired. Very strict in Japan. So I will be a teacher my whole life. Not exciting."
Me "I don't believe that. I believe you can do whatever you want. Life is too short to be unhappy."
Naoki "I like your way of thinking."

I then proceeded to help Naoki with a five year plan of ideas to get him out of Japan, and in New York, where he really wants to be.

Thank every single one of you for these conversations this weekend. As I said before, words are jewels to me.

now if i could just get this one person on the phone or on skype......................

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Barack in the city I dream to visit...

while doing some lesson planning, I was struck by the need to catch this Obama speech, considering I was up and all. this will not be a long post because the point i have to make is very clear.

i love Barack Obama. it's on a personal level. i have NEVER listened to a President that has EVER motivated me to go from needing sleep to needing to dig into my business plan. I adore his speeches but the one I viewed tonight hit me hard because he spoke so much on International Education Exchanges and well as International Entrepreneurship. One I am trying to obtain, and the other I am working towards. Marshall, Fulbright, MacArthur...these are names only recognized by those with enough interest to research them out. The Endowments...these are funded by the government so we 'the people' can pursue our endeavors without money being the issue. I feel like, in the near future, Evierobbie is going to be benefitting from some of the President's new legislations.

I was inspired and got a MAGNIFICENT thesis for my essays to both Fulbright and Goldsmith's, thanks to my President.

I mean, Clinton was cool, but no one is fucking with Barack.
Cairo, standing ovation, and his name being chanted as he walked out...period.


well that's weird...

as though a little boy running down a hallway, screaming your name, with his balls hanging out wasn't enough excitement for one week...

apparently not.

it's been getting warmer in uchino, at least for sections of the day. in an effort to level out an electric bill, i prefer to let the evening breeze in rather than gunning for the AC. after coming in from a night run, i opened the door to my deck and had the screen door shut.
i'm on iChat and mid conversation i started seeing these little gnat looking bugs. think flying ants but maybe a third of the size of an actual ant. hence how you wouldn't really know how many there were around you, as i was to find out.

i get off iChat, decide to clean a little and shut the doors for the night. it took me about 10 mins to do the dishes. from the time i got off the computer, to the time i finished the dishes i had a community of these gnats infiltrate my bedroom area. i'm talking all over my walls, bouncing against my lights, on and in my bed, flying fucking everywhere.

again, i have been really calm under really stressful shit in japan over the last few months. i was calm but this shit looked like a scene straight out of someone's nightmare. there were so many. i feel that i had to have inhaled a few just from walking in and out the room to get my stuff.

so i woke up the company at like 9:30pm, and thanks to Mariana, i had a place to crash last night.

apparently the only way to get rid of these seasonal bugs, is to smoke them...lmao. i was too afraid to light paper and let it burn. but while speaking with Aisling it was brought to my attention that i have a shit load of incense, thanks to my man Bobby from my block in the Bronx. i lit every last one of those things. the attached picture is part of the cloud that was my room last night, before leaving. i still can't believe the randomness of the situation, as i clean up dead bugs today and clean everything in that room.

just another experience...hilarious! i can't wait to move to the new apartment. phase 1 of 2 underway shortly.

on a side note...i'm not too proud to admit i need attention. the lack of any type of affection is getting to me. i at least need that. the irony to it is, when i'm needy most i usually disappear...

i need to run this off....toodles.