Wednesday, September 30, 2009

technological warfare...

I don`t know if there is any other time in which technology becomes the enemy, the way it does during a breakup, split, or separation from a significant other.

No other medium in our life displays our activites and thoughts with such speed as technology. Communication, even while living on the other side of the world, bridges the gap between the known and the unknown (daily, and in more cases hourly). Where it was merely the telephone, a letter, and emails if either party wanted to break the silence, we now have to deal with Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, AIM and the status updates that come along with all of them.

In a very psychological way, it`s technological warfare.

Some may find that a dramatic comparison, yet I beg to differ. During a breakup, the telephone, websites, AIM, everything remsembles an arsenal against your emotions. Do you `play Russian Roulette and put that phone to your head`, just to say hello? Or do you go with your better judgment and distract yourself as a way to begin the grieving?

If you`re like me, it`s the status updates that throw you into a spiral. Reading so far into a phrase that fits a 145 character limit, that you could write a thesis on its own personal interpretation, according to you. When, truth be told, it may not even be about you. Twitter is interesting because everyone`s pages are pretty much open for view. There you can too easily follow the back and forth between parties in an actual conversation. How lovely for you, your emotions, and your imagination.

I feel like these websites become guns when I am in emotional peril. Checking an exs page on the wrong day, at the wrong time, will have your gut in so many knots it does literally feel like your emotions got shot. As a writer, I am a word Nazi, and already pay very close attention to the language people use. During a separation, all this does is become more magnified.

It is a push and pull with myself. I know I shouldn`t look. I know there is the possibility of severe damage afterwards....but the curiosity is daunting. In analyzing this, I also found that one of the reasons I still check is because it still gives a sense of connection to the person. I still feel like I am semi-in their life. Sometimes hurtful as it may be, it still makes me feel as though I am a part of something once shared. In a distorted way, that feels good.

This type of torture is very personal and self-inflicting. Most of us do this damage in private, while sitting in front of a computer screen in the comfort of our own misery.
My question is, `why?`
Is it simply addicitive?

As I am in week one of my own split, I am really trying to analyze my patterns, understand them, have compassion, and eventually find the least bumpy route to deal with my emotions right now. For I am currently emotionally purging. The man I have enjoyed since last Septemeber, fell in love with in May, I am now letting go of in September.

As I write about technological warfare, I am still debating on an oldschool communication. My phone has been off due to my international phone bill, and the Universe couldn`t have had better timing. An intense wine-induced episode this past weekend was one attempted phone call away from being a disaster of epic proportions.

Then there`s this letter. Nothing major, nothing all emotionally inclusive, nothing heavy...just something that we both would laugh at, and both could appreciate. I bought it with the intention of mailing it out on payday (today). But any remnants of `we` are on a break right now. I want to send this letter more than I can describe. Right now though, I know I can`t.

It hurts, and it will for awhile. But Evie is `tougher than tough times`. Bare with me y`all...

Monday, September 28, 2009

20 week workout start...

Ok, it's time for the workout plan for the second half of my trip.
You will notice it is more than twice the length as the plan I executed during the beginning of the summer. I am taking advantage of the second half and getting my body in the best shape it has been in.
Truthfully I don't have much going on outside of what my first plan was. I am playing this by ear. It's all about getting my consistency up before I start with the workout add-ons.
I started yesterday, and took the photos below after my night run today. Look for four week updates.

Starting stats: September 28th, 09
Start Weight: 156.2 pounds
Weight goal: 145-148
Exercise Goal: up to 45 mins of running straight, yoga classes, hip-hop dance classes

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

My type of daily motivation...

This is my type of motivation. So much so, it gets a shout in the memoir.
A day with hours of writing the memoir, and a great Letter of Affiliation for the Fulbright.
Thank you to Nelson for putting me onto this clip first. Thank you to Kennedy for sparking the conversation that made me revisit it.

Monday, September 21, 2009

a weekend to remember...

I‘m beginning to allow myself to feel better. I pick my language carefully, in that; I do mean ‘allow’. Granted my recent stressors (including a new crash course in sublet laws) have had me out of the aura of positivity I aim to consciously keep around me. I’ve been truly upset with a number of decisions made by others, and myself, recently. I immediately look for lessons, but as he said “They may not show themselves right away.” People only affect you as much as you allow them to. I have allowed it on a number of days during my month back from NYC, yet will not allow it any longer. As long as I stay honest and true to my intentions (both past and present) then the Universe will have my back. More importantly, I know my karma is intact.

The Universe…oh how dope it is. It truly wastes no time in reminding you of your path, as long as you are listening. In the midst of the recent series of unfortunate events, I prayed to not waste any more energy on that which is bringing me negativity, and to refocus on ………

Something is making me stop this mid-blog. See, I wrote this six-page journal entry yesterday while sitting at the river and enjoying a break from the Dance festival. I have been attempting to load video all morning, and was going to transfer my six-page journal entry into a blog to supplement one of the videos. I was just writing verbatim what I prepared yesterday, so excitedly to share. Out of nowhere, something is telling me not to. I don’t know if what I have experienced the last few days, in regards to the Universe, is only for me and those closest to me to know, or maybe the blog equivalent of a six-page entry is too much for you to bear reading. Or maybe its presence is needed in the memoir, rather than this format.

What I will say is that this weekend went from being horrendous, to being simply perfect. It started with my being mentally stuck underneath someone else’s intentions for me, and concluded with me morphing into a phoenix of sorts, soaring above the issues to remember what it is that is truly important.

I enjoyed conversations that rebuilt my tenacity for Goldsmiths, for moving to London, for building Evierobbie, for getting the Fulbright, for love, and for the affect I have on these children, and they in turn have on me.

I feel artistic Evita, my true self, showing herself again. The writing obsession has given way to the film critiquing, and book reading Evita.

There is something to say for needing to adjust to a place, but I remember noticing the loss of artistic connection I felt inside when I moved to Niigata. Now, I am doing things I loved before I came to Japan, films and reading being two of them. It took me five months to get through a book when I got here initially. That’s unheard of.

During my first two weeks, back from NYC, I have finished one and am now nearly half way through my second. This is the woman I remember being. This is the lover I remember being. When I feel good, and produce my art, the Universe speaks to me in ways unimaginable.

With the crew on an island, braving the September weather, I actually connected to where I lived. It was a weekend of dance festivals everywhere from in front of my apartment, to downtown in the city. I knew there were festivals, but had no idea it was dance related. I cheered on students I have, and videotaped them with the pride of a parent. I have so much footage of the crews. Below is one. I will post more as I have time to render footage. As for right now, my laptop and I have a date with Starbucks. Memoir.

1st of a few videos.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Nelson George's "City Kid"...cop it!

I finished Nelson George’s memoir, “City Kid: A Writer’s Memoir of Ghetto Life and Post-Soul Success” and I find myself physically situated in an elementary school in Niigata, yet mentally scouring the streets of Fort Green, Brooklyn in search of 19 Willoughby. His words, and recollections of a life well lived, are intoxicated with Brooklyn during arguably one of the most important eras in recent Black history. He was, and in many ways still is, the literary force during the emergence of hip-hop, distinguished Black film, and soul music.

Digesting the pages, with hints of both jealousy and awe, I read of his friendships with Spike Lee, Russell Simmons, Chris Rock, and Rocky Ford. Nelson George is blessed in that he came into fruition in the beginning of a new era. Nelson George is smart because he noticed it and took advantage. Soul was giving way to R&B, hip-hop introduced itself in the South Bronx, and the world wanted a piece. Luckily, Fort Green had become an epicenter for housing Black talent in nearly all of the arts, and George had become friends with every single pioneer.

George writes about the unrelenting influence the greats, like Hemingway and Wright, have had on his work. He reminisces about discovering their old school NYC hangouts and visiting himself. There he would breathe in the atmosphere and exhale the words. I wonder if he ever knew that he’d one day have the same effect on younger writers.
I was introduced to Nelson George not through a book, but rather my television. I was hooked to his travel series, “Soul Cities” and enjoyed eyeing the food while listening to the stories behind the music. From this show, I did know him as a writer but not enough for it matter in my own process.

This past August, I returned to NYC for a much-needed break from Japan and frequented my self-proclaimed second home in the city, the Union Square Barnes and Nobles. That building has seen hours of my reading and writing. Its also endured interviews I have conducted for J’Adore Magazine. On the hunt for “Art of Time” to help in the writing process of my memoir, I was told that they were sold out. Pissed, because nothing comes between me and my books, I perused around the “Employee Recommended” table and found “City Kid”. The price for the hardcover was a bit more than I budgeted for but I got it anyway. When things catch my attention, I give it in return. Little did I know I’d be investing in something that had the power to shape my own approach to writing.

I fly through books. The fastest I have read a memoir was in four hours and I could’ve accomplished this easily in reading, “City Kid”. I caught myself not wanting to though. I would slow down, wanting the words to last and the story to continue. The anecdotes about famous friendships that started from humble beginnings reminded me of an observation Jason and I made two years ago, about how many times famous friends seem to be created in clusters. You are the company you keep, and I act as so. George’s Amsterdam News and Billboard Magazine is my J’Adore Magazine. We both share single parent upbringing, a writing obsession, an underlying love story, and favorite getaways in lower Manhattan. This is a memoir, that no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t NOT personalize it. It spoke directly to me.

We’ve shared small Twit exchanges, but I am seriously intending to somehow attract the mentorship of this man. Dope read and highly recommended. Also, check the trailer for Chris Rock and Nelson George's documentary "Good Hair". It killed at the independent festivals and is being released in October. I hope it's released in the Asian market, if not I will be buying it online. (Shouts to all the sistas who wear their hair natural. We are far and few.)

follow me at or

Thursday, September 10, 2009

American's character....jester?!

I sit at my laptop with the lust to continue my memoir, yet the need to respond to President Obama's speech. Being in Japan, MSNBC is typically my late informant on those things political, and today was no different.

The above link is Obama's speech on healthcare.

For fifty-one minutes I watched the most transparent split in legislation, occupy one room, and do everything from give repeat standing ovations, to bolt demeaning epithets to the he works to make sure every American is covered under health insurance.

This is why, of the character I have seen, I deem America as a jester. We look like clowns. And being about as far away from the United States as humanly possible, it's legitimized and magnified when you are on the outside looking in. You can tell I'm pissed because my vocabulary comes out.

If a scream of rejoice can completely dismantle Howard Dean's run in the Presidential primaries then this fool, Joe Wilson, needs to have his Congressional card revoked. Yes, this is a heated 'debate' but there is no excuse for a lack of respect for the person that holds the Highest Power in the Land. This is the President. You bite your tongue until you are with your close associates and friends.

I feel that with my lifestyle, I'm afforded a greater point of view on this subject, both to my delight and dismay. I have traveled around Europe, and lived in Paris. I currently live in Japan. I have a roster of friends that is so diverse, I could start an initiative to create my own potential UN. Where this experience comes in is that it gives a wider view. In no way am I dwarfing the impact of travel, but many times I do it just to meet people and see things. From this simple act, the world becomes a revolving door.

Now, from my first trip to Europe, six-weeks post obtaining a BA, I hit the runway. While there I worked with over one hundred artists from all over the world. We entertained conversations on everything from film, sex, religion, politics, and yes, health insurance. I came back with the saying that "America wants to keep its people sick and stupid." In EVERY other nation I have visited in developed countries, there is a free public healthcare system, and/or option, and in some countries higher education is FREE! These conversations baffled me. It was like I was introduced into another world. At my age, I don't need the works, I merely need a plan that will allow me to get yearly exams, and take care of any women's health issues I need. That's it. I am at an age where everything is preventative.

And people wonder why more and more I lead the life of a pending expat.

Since my first trip abroad, in 2006, I have been an advocate for a public option, and now we have a President who is so close to getting this for his people. We finally have a President who wants this as much as the people need it, but his opponents, primarily Republicans, are sabotaging his plan because they don't like him. How evil, desperate, tasteless, selfish, and inhumane must you be?

In his passing, Ted Kennedy hit it right on the head with the words he left for Obama, "What we face is a moral issue." This is indeed a moral issue, and if you don't believe so then you obviously do not know the makeup of our government, and you are lying to yourself. The character of this country has been so far distorted that we evidently don't know who we are anymore. But I will tell you what we are, sick and stupid.

As a freelancer, I have not had health insurance through a job in two years. I am in Japan paying $67 a month for health insurance that covers dental. In Europe, free health insurance is the norm, with certain provisions. Any of my European friends please feel free to correct me and chime in.

Prior to Japan, I was paying for health insurance to the tune of $308 a month for health insurance that is worse than the $67 I have here. $308 a month. A year before signing up with Freelancer's Union (whose rates are also going up) I went uninsured for almost a year. If you think about it, it's cheaper for me to save my money, pay for yearly checkups out of pocket, and not have health insurance. One, maximum two months insurance fee, could cover my costs and I can save the rest of that money throughout the year.

In New York, the health industry is the NUMBER ONE grossing industry. Over entertainment. That is gross.

So when I hear a President who is about doing something, and see a room split in applause, I become angry. Healthcare should be a right, not a bankrupting privilege.

I write this blog as an ode to my best friend, Bethany, who has risked her life in ways unimaginable to make sure that people in underdeveloped communities, in the most horrific of countries, get the access to healthcare and food they have no idea.