what comes first?

the question or the belief?

Fresh off an international Skyping with Ariel, and in response to a Twit by Concep, I have myself thinking...

It started with my current FB status update.

"Do you question what you believe in? If not, you should..."

Far more complex than "what came first, the chicken or the egg?"
How do we shape our beliefs? Do the questions come first?
Or do the beliefs, which lead to more questions?

Routines, daily obligations, and the buzz of the cities work as a very effective mirage to throw up over what it is we truly want in life.

Ariel, fresh off a five month trek around South East Asia, Keith in Chile, and I presently nine months into setting up shop in Japan....so far apart yet we all have the same internal conflict.

Traveling outside of your comfort zone, and embracing the unknown, makes you question everything you ever thought you knew about life, and yourself.
Traveling on journeys (not vacations) have a way of gutting you that your everyday life absolutely cannot.

Businesses you have worked hard for, degrees you have spent thousands of dollars on, time you have allocated working for what you think you want, think you love, all can be blown to bits if approached with the right journey for enlightenment. It is not guaranteed that these ideals will change, but they will damn sure be tested and questioned...until the true you appears....

woman...

Beyonce's Thanksgiving Special gives a glimpse into the passion, art, and work ethic of a star.
This was a great feast for the motivation going into the New Year.

As an artist, though my art doesn't require a stellar voice and breathing exercises, I can only admire a woman of this regard.

Success takes work, lots of it.
Beauty requires both the inner and outer components.

Beyonce is a powerhouse.

From someone of the same generation, I thank her for keeping the dignity, grace, and power of a true woman.

Perfection....Jay-Z is no fool. Good choice Mr. Carter.

Yahiko Mountain...Niigata, Japan

Halloween day...

Megan, George, Mariana and I went to Yahiko Mountain/Shrine. This is the video documenting our mini road trip, the things we saw along the way, and people we met once we got there...

Yes, every once in awhile it hits me...I live in Japan.

express yourself........

When I was in Middle School, I used to blast this song. In cassette form I, quite literally, destroyed this track in my walkman, purchased from the dollar store. I don't know if I realized I was an artist, nor writer then, but I knew I was different. I had to express myself. Muting what I believed, thought, or wanted would result in extreme anxiety and I'd lock myself in my bedroom to either read or write.

Contrary to my friends' upbringing, I did not have a tv or phone in my bedroom. Not so much that it wasn't allowed, we just weren't in a position to accomodate it. This is where my writing and speed reading was nurtured. To this day, my mother says that R. L. Stine's Goosbump books were the best investment she ever made into my childhood. I find this to be true. I remember being in elementary school and we had a Goosebumps crew. We used to devour and pass off those books like we should have been in a cypher saying "puff, puff, give." Books were my crack.

They were also a mark of maturity. You could guess what age someone was, by what phase in books they were reading. Goosebumps was elementary going into middle school. The immediate move up from Goosebumps was anything by Christopher Pike. "Prom Queen" being a favorite of mine. Once you were finishing high school you starting dipping into Dean Koontz, Stephen King, or my top choice James Patterson. That was the literary evolution, though most tapered off after high school, mine kept up. Somewhere in my house there is a black garbage bag filled with my old books.

Building a vocabulary was great but it still didn't help in defining why I had this need to express myself...I just knew I had it.
I've never grown out of that person. To the contrary, I've grown more into her. I've never been able to relate to the fear many people have of this.

So I ask, what are people afraid of when they fight the urge to express how they feel, cry, scream, or even talk through silence?

Sometimes you have to express yourself. You have to let it out.

Relationships are a supreme example of this. At some point, true feelings, motives, definitions, expectations, and compromises have to be expressed. Note expression does not equate to emotional suffocation. That's not my point. My point is...

Ultimately, feelings (love) must be expressed. It must be said, to eventually have the ability of being shown. The choice, declaration, holds the first power. Speak up...

Particularly with men, I find the strongest (and most well equipped emotionally) to be those that have an understanding of how they feel and the courage to let it be known. That, is sexy. For those too timid, I leave you with the possible reality of your own situation...where you aren't expressing, someone else very well may be.

"DBIC" song...

This past Tuesday, I was at one of my favorite schools. Inside this school, is also one of my favorite classes. It's a Special Needs class with the most entertaining bunch of Japanese kids I have ever met. Made up mostly of boys, with one female student, and two pairs of brothers.  

No matter what grade I eat lunch with, I make it my business to check in with this class after I finish lunch. I usually end up playing games with them, or faking an understanding of Japanese to humor the conversation of kids who simply don't care if I understand them or not...they speak regardless.  

I walk in, to an uproar of excitement, but one boy in particular caught me off guard with his conversation. He'd, undoubtedly, be dubbed one of the fat kids. Six years old and 60 kg (132 pounds) he was half of one of the sets of brothers. 

Looking plump, in his red shirt, I noted only having him in class once before, yet he went on a lingual rampage...  

"Evita Sensei, do you like apples?" 

"Yes, I do." 

"Do you like grapes?"

"Yes, I do." 

"Do you like bananas?"

"Yes, I do. Do you like apples?" 

"Yes, ski des."

"Very good."

"Evita Sensei, do you know 'DBIC song'? 

Now I'm lost. All of us teachers look around at one another confused.  

"DBIC song? No, I don't know." 

"Yes, DBIC song."  

Still confused, I am trying to grasp onto some familiarity when he begins singing... 

"A,B,C,D,B,I,C!" "Oh shit!" I said in my head. He's talking about the ABCs. This kid rearranged the alphabet, and apparently I didn't get the memo. He was singing, proudly and happily. He was thoroughly enjoying himself.  

I love it. Looking at him, I responded.. 

"Yes. I know the ABCs. You're absolutely right A,B,C,D,B,I,C."  

There was too much enjoyment and glee in this boys face to shatter his dreams. He'd learn the correction sooner rather than later, but in that moment I inherited his version and, frankly, I liked it better.  

His teacher also happens to be the Head "English" Teacher for the school. During our meeting for the next lesson she thanked me for stopping in to say hello to the class. Then she expressed her surprise with this one student.  

"He doesn't speak in class." I couldn't believe it. He was firing questions to me.  

"Many times he absent. You only have him class once, but he knows many things. He ahh doesn't speak class. But Evita Sensei say hello and he not stop talking. We teachers very surprised. Sugoi! (amazing!)"  

"Yes," I responded, "Sugoi!"

Kreativ Blogger Award

 My best friend, Jason blessed my blog with the Kreativ Blogger Award. I haven't been on blogspot for too long now, as my past posts were mainly done through Myspace and Facebook, so bare with me. 

I'm told, I now have to reveal seven random things about me. Here goes nothing...

1. I've had surgery on my eye.

2. I have lived on three different continents.

3. My middle name is a gem...Turquoise.

4. I used to have a gap as a child. 

5. I've eaten maggots.

6. I believe in the Law of Attraction. 

7. When I wake up, I start dreaming...

Nippon and New York...Matsui bridges the gap

I am in Japan, after getting a call saying that all my classes have been officially cancelled for the day due to the kids getting influenza. Thus has been the trend in many schools since the autumn temperature has revealed herself. Today is also Game 6 of the World Series...Yankees vs. Philly, with the Bronx representers up 3-2 in the series wins. Something tells me to get on ESPN.com and get on GameCast (yes, I know how to navigate sports sites.) I have witnessed in cyber world, the Japan-native, Matsui show everyone what an MVP looks like. I am writing this before the game is finished because, frankly, what he has done in the seven innings I have thus followed is noteworthy, regardless of if there is a Game 7 or not. Both his plays in the 3rd and 5th innings demanded phone calls to the US. New York, I feel you. As I am yelling in my apartment, on a Thursday afternoon, I feel you NY! I know the energy that vibrates from that city I call home. As Jason said, "There is nothing like winning a championship in New York!" This is so right. I can hear the screams from surround apartments by 192nd while the Stadium is down on 161st. I can see the bars, from Westchester to LI, packed with nothing but Yankees supporters daring a Philly fan to say something. Tonight NY bleeds Blue and White! It's just how the city is...I have witnessed it before. NY I feel you.

It's November...goodness. As my last four months, in Japan, wind down, my traveling will be picking up. 

This is the first Thanksgiving where I won't be in Long Island to partake in the feast that goes down on Greenwich Avenue. As my family gathers to break bread, I will be in Japan, most likely bartending amongst a disfunctional 'family' of foreigners. Still, I will be giving thanks, and oozing gratitude for the ability to experience this holiday, in Japan. 

This will be the first Christmas not being around family, long time friends, or a boyfriend. There may not be a Christmas tree, nor mistletoe, nor carols. There will be travel. 

I have a little over two weeks Christmas vacation, and I have given much debate as to where I am going and what I am doing. 

This week I solidified my intention.

Destination: Bangkok, Thailand and Siem Reap, Cambodia

The photos above, are where I'll be. First three photos are Siem Reap and the last two are Bangkok.
IT IS SOOOOOOO ON!!!!!

(Shouts to Bethany and Ariana for helping me out with the planning. Love you fellow world travelers.)

in retrospect...Halloween

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a kid, and my recent bouts at the Japanese dentist emulate proof of just how opportunistic I was as a child, on this day.
Halloween in New York is unlike any other. The parade, revealed skin, alcohol consumption, and the energy is unbeatable. Yet, this is the second year in a row that I haven't had the pleasure of being home to enjoy it. 

One year ago, on this day, my mother and I were rummaging around the autumn streets of Edinburgh, Scotland. We walked through old cemeteries, inhaled the view from Edinburgh Castle, and braved the underground vaults on a ghost walk. Still, to this day, staying in one of the most amazing 'hotel' apartments I have ever booked on a trip abroad. 

Yet, there was a real gloom to my Halloween, last year. I was attempting to enjoy a vacation, knowing that upon return I'd only have two weeks left to my present freelancing contract. I was burdened with the first real freelance fear of not having a job to turn to. 

It was in that 'closed door', I found an open window by applying everywhere I could find for new gigs. This 'everywhere' included Japan. I didn't apply with real interest in anything more than traveling and needing the finances to make it feasible. But Japan happened so easily. Too easily for me not to take the opportunity. 

Upon return, from Scotland, my last day arrived and 24 hours prior I responded to a email for a temporary Post-Production Assistant position for a show on HBO I hadn't heard of yet, "In Treatment." I got it with nothing more than a phone interview with the AP in their Los Angeles office. On Friday I left Trutv, and on Monday I started HBO's "In Treatment."

Then, unbeknownst at the time, about 12 weeks later, I'd be hired in Japan. 

Last Halloween, I didn't know where I'd be two weeks later, let alone a year later. I went from paranoid about not having a job, to only having a weekend break before starting work on an Emmy-nominated HBO series. 

This Halloween, I have only four months left to what was a one-year commitment, and friends I didn't know existed last year. I danced to sounds from the Average White Djs, while engulfed in Dustin's 'head'. I was four glasses of red wine into a night of dancing that ended with an introduction to a turtle, finding a spot to get Nag Champa in Niigata, and receiving a wooden penis key chain as a souvenir from Bali, compliments of my dear Kotoyo.

I went from not knowing how I was going to pay rent, for December, to one year later having my rent automatically deducted from a paycheck I am receiving in Japan. 

In both these instances, short-term and long-term, I didn't know. I had no idea where the road would lead, but I rocked with it anyway. I saw freedom, as an opportunity for great change, and am blessed for any job I've had to leave because, frankly...in order to grow, I had to leave. 

So, I've been accepted to Goldsmiths, University of London for September 2010. Next Halloween I will be donning costumes and prancing across London Bridge, because that is the next step in beginning my numerological 1 year. A year of new beginnings, ripe with energy for going back to school, European travels, and the tenacity to explode with Evierobbie Media. 

That is the vision, but who is really sure of the path?
In reality, who wants to be that sure? 
As the line of one of my favorite films reads, "That'd take the piss out of the whole thing."

Take risks.