where do i see myself in 5 years? 6 months?

it's crucial to your own personal success that you keep tabs on your own barometer.

what are you trying to accomplish?
what does it take to get there?
who helps and who hinders?

stay flexible. in preparation for this blog, i found my old 5-year plan that i began in 2007...let's just say much of what i have done was not on that list. life alters things. yet, when you are clear in what you want, the universe has a way of getting out of the way. be steadfast with these dreams and watch them come to fruition.

this 5-year plan is a bit more poignant than most. thus because in five years i will be the big 30. that's right, Evita at thirty years old. it makes me laugh. i'm not like most people (men) who are terrified of turning thirty. a bench mark it is, but i don't find it to be an age that should be the tell all end all of my former life. yes the number is daunting, but you rock with it and embrace the wisdom along the way.

so i am publicizing my 5 year plan. knowing me, there will be additions..this is the basis.

where do i see myself in 5 years?

out of all major debts, in full, including credit cards and student loans.
traveled to all 13 countries that i have on my international wish list.
have evierobbie media. incorporated with all business necessities.
have initial business locations developing in New York, Paris, London, and Japan for evierobbie.
be in a healthy, stable, fun, respectful, creative, and loving relationship.
be the best, most supportive woman i can be for the man in my life.
closer to 30, or within the first few years thereafter, start a family.
continue my road to healthy living.
have my first memoir finished and published, with financial and artistic acclaim.
work as a Writer/Producer in television and film under my evierobbie. staple.
have my own apartment, free of roommates.
create an extensive fan base through web acquisitions, book publishing, and evierobbie platforms.
have my Masters in Cultural and Creative Entrepreneurship from Goldsmith's University in London.
look into prep needed to obtain PhD.
acquire a celebrity clientele for evierobbie specific projects, including memoir writing and video production.
have attended and work competed in Cannes and Sundance.
foster stronger business relations with Dissident Display, Abi, Paris, LA, and Tokyo networks.
completing a new screenplay.
practice philanthropic efforts for children in foreign countries.
continue to challenge myself both personally and professionally.
move quicker in letting go of toxic people and relationships.
love.

where do i see myself in the next 6 months?

down between 145-150 pounds in the body i have always dreamed of.
mentally and spiritually stronger and more confident than i have ever been in my life.
building a solid Tokyo network for evierobbie.
traveling to Thailand and India.
completing my first memoir.
apply for the Fulbright US/UK grant to get my Masters.
implementing my financial plan to eliminate two major debts and cut credit card debts in half.
visiting NYC and working Summerstage for August, as well as other networking events.
giving my celibacy a sexual insert while at home with Mr. Dope.
love.
building with Talik to get this website up and moving. (noa. i love you)
continuing to push viewership on blogspot and twitter.com
making as much supplemental income as possible through extra teaching, bartending, writing, and photography.
continuing self discovery....being the most phenomenal woman i can possibly be.

celibacy...

i'm not reformed. i'm not born again. i not going through an intentional cleanse...i'm horny.

point blank. period.

i'm also celibate...thus the conundrum.

it's been brought up in previous blogs and personal conversations i have had with newly acquired friends, and i wanted to do some real introspection on the subject of celibacy. so...i write.

the last time i was celibate was before i lost my virginity. (exactly.) so in reality, this is the first time i have ever adopted the actual term 'celibate'.

i remember, in more immature times, hearing of this concept and deeming it utterly impossible in my world. i couldn't see how someone would 'starve' themselves of this most magnificent connection with another human being. i note that back then the ONLY connection i had during sex was through the loins.

so here i am, a decade after the first 'go' at it and i find myself in a completely different space and time. i'm not an adolescent who has to worry about homework for high school the next day. i'm a twenty-five year old, accomplished individual, living in Japan.

japan... being here is as much a catalyst for my celibacy, as is what i left at home. i have been on a temporary leave from the most aesthetically pleasing man i have EVER been with. (i apologize to those that came before him, but it is what it is.) he has such a genuine heart and is as beautiful internally as he is externally. i will be the first to admit, as he knows, i am in love. i am also in japan, so it would be silly of me to put expectations on any man, with me being this far away. i'm in love, i'm not stupid.

i'd lie if i didn't say that this celibacy didn't start out for him. after realizing all the things i get from him, i realized that i'd rather wait for it. and waittttttt for it! i can say that if there is any man that i feel is worth me doing something like this for, hands down it's him.

but it's not about him anymore...
i was surprised to find a shift in myself here. i'm not doing it for him anymore. i'm doing it for me. facebook affords the opportunity to reunite with friends from all phases in life. some of the gentlemen on here from my high school days may remember a quite different Evita, n that department, from those in college and beyond. this is one reason why i am rarely friends with anyone from high school. even old female friends would see a change.
with sex, i was searching at a young age. searching for something, through other men, that i should have searched for within myself....love.

now, ten years after starting that process, i found it.
it took something dramatic to happen with my body, for me to respect it. this also fuels my vegetarianism and body transformations. it took a personal awakening about three years ago for me to realize that i have to have a serious connection with someone to offer them my body. the magnitude of sex is beyond what most people fathom in order to 'get a nut'

you are entering me, my energy...females, think about that for a second. do you let strangers in your house?

i do not feel i am better than anyone else. a one night stand is a one night stand. you live life once, go ahead, be safe. but i'm not on that level. i find myself lucky because a lot of the sexual stupidity i saw in college, i got out my system by the time i graduated high school. i started early. now, while still young, i have a better understanding of exactly how psychological sex is. i can't have sex with someone i don't have substantial feelings for. not saying it will never happen again, but where i am in my life now, i can't afford for that to happen. the psychological, and potential physical, aftermath is too much added stress in my life. especially, if i have someone in my life already that i feel is WORTH it.
worth is the operative word. what are you worth? if it's a few drinks and some head, then do what it do. not i.

this too is why i am celibate...

not to mention the fact that i have more testosterone pumping through my veins than most men in japan. it is the honest truth and you even see it in the elementary schools here. the girls are cool, digging their own space, and the boys are all over each other. i am not speaking for all, but you see it openly here. it is just another cultural difference.

so if i was going to go away to any country, and not have my celibacy be tested too much Japan was probably the best bet. i'm so horny i am scared to even flirt with anyone i find remotely attractive. in my head, i have a split screen of me saying hello (or gozaimas) and then us in bed and my brain can't take it. lol. i'm formng a slight neurosis due to not having sex.
you start looking at guys you wouldn't even be remotely attracted to in any other situation and soon find yourself saying things like, "He's not that bad." yes, he is bitch. step away. your mind is playing tricks on you. thus, even in my hormonal weeks (like the one i am presently in) i remember the man i left and the values i have on myself.

as much as i travel, many would find it hard to believe but i have NEVER had sex with anyone abroad, even in the states. i travel with a different mind frame. so i will resort to my websites, toys, skype, and ........love. those are the things that keep me in check. and thank goodness for that!

chot to mate! (be easy!)

i am the stupidest smart person i know...

growing up my mother used to tell me that i was the stupidest smart person she knew.
she's absolutely right and times like tonight validate her theory. what she means by this is that i am extremely intelligent, but with certain things, i lose ALL remnants of common sense. i go dumb.

then there's tonight...

i have a side gig teaching adults and tonight was the going away party for the teacher i am replacing. there was a buffet worth of homemade Japanese food, drinks i couldn't partake in due to driving, and great conversation. i'm very much looking forward to taking over this adult class. the students are awesome (and probably now think their new teacher is an idiot).

i went to the school a few weeks back, with Nate, to meet the owner and see if he thought i'd fit in there.
one thing you must note about Japan is that there is no public parking. spots are numbered and accounted for nearly everywhere you go. it's a bitch to deal with but it's true. one of Nate's students owns a lot and allows teachers and students to park there for free. awesome of her.

so today i arrived on my own, parked, and enjoyed the class. as i'm leaving, over an hour later than i anticipated, i notice my car is fucking gone! GONE! not only gone, but someone else's car is in the exact spot that i left my car in.

i call Megan, "You aren't going to believe this, my car got towed." while Megan is put on standby wondering if she is going to have to drive from niitsu to pick my sorry ass up, i am blowing Nate's phone to bits. voicemail after voicemail. but i have to admit, i'm calm as hell. it doesn't make sense. they don't steal cars in this country. i've also left my car at the train stations overnight and never had it towed. i was calm because all the pieces didn't fit.

i go back to the school, proceed to be the party pooper, and tell them i got towed.

to a chorus of "EHHH?" (only if you live in japan and know japanese people will you really understand how funny that sound truly is).

yes "Eh!" Now wtf?

Marco appears like Superman and immediately is like let's go. him, the owner of the school, and two of my future students come with. there's talks of calling the police...like for real? am i really going through this at 10pm, while exhausted from first graders grabbing my boobs today?

i finally get Nate on the phone. poor guy now feels like the real asshole of the situation considering he gave me the go ahead weeks ago.

so my calm is starting to break, slightly. we start scaling the supermarket parking lot nearby and find NADA! while i'm talking to Nate, Marco disappears into the night and starts yelling for stats on my car. i answer.

"we found it!"

my damn car was a parking lot down, on the same street, in the exact spot i left it in.
the lots, which are nothing more than rocks, grass, and open area, were fucking identical.

apparently the only think that got towed tonight was my brain. time for bed. i really took the 'L' on this one.

bed.

so, i've attached three photos. the last one many of you have seen as my initial unveiling of losing my first 47 pounds looks like.

well marks the first day in an 8 week intensive workout plan that i am putting on myself. an old Iona College workout associate, turned personal training goddess (thank Lauren) has lent me her expertise. i contacted her and said these exact words, "I want something to lift my ass".

where my first round of weight loss was targeted towards merely losing the weight, and i'd say abs....i now want to hyper focus on my lower body.

so the initial before and after photo is below. and i took two photos today as another before shot for this experiment. wish me luck on my journey.

Today's weight is 156 pounds. That means I am down 54 pounds from my initial weigh in.

ohh yea i do this too...

along with writing, i also direct, edit, and produce film...this is my acclaimed final film for the NYFA 2006 Digital Filmmaking workshop. The actress is Abigail Tarttelin, a UK actress and great friend. Both of us studied at La Femis Film School in Paris, France.

will you remember me...?

this comes after two poignant conversations, one with Megan and one with my father... 

i am already not the woman that i was when i left New York. this is a fact. 

skin has been shed (literally and figuratively). fears continue to be felt and faced. celibacy continued. love orated. jealousy continually curbed. training habits to no longer be habitual. complete mental release of a past lover. international friends made. strength exposed. new diet adjusted. running acts as therapy. learned that holding on to home can hinder here. networks growing with evierobbie media in mind. hundreds of beautiful children gained, while the one i used to be arrives again daily. new language becoming the norm. goals written and reviewed. body and mind starting to accept the shock of the new.  

i am taking the shape of possibly the strongest person i know (bethany may have me beat). i am that woman. i am in the metamorphosis that is my life. i always wondered what it would be...what event, what person, what conversation, what trip....i always wondered what it would take to break me down to my core................and then leave me to rebuild my form.  

well folks, Japan is it. i have been gutted.  

with the frightful precision and patience it took me to get to know my neighborhood (literally walking a block a day, at first)...i now have that same fear and patience in putting myself back together again. how lucky am i to be afforded an opportunity to create a completely new me? new in the context of being better, clearer, more of all my positives and less of all my negatives. this, to me, is my first real sense of enlightenment.  

i realized that woven throughout this (negative in many ways) experience, is EXACTLY what i asked for. true to Evita's form, i am very clearly manifesting my dreams. i said i wanted to travel the world. i said i wanted to experience new cultures. i said i wanted to build an international connection for evierobbie media. i said i wanted to become a better Evita. well, done, done, done, and in the process as i type. 

what i DID NOT factor into that equation is that not every experience is pretty. not every culture is fun. manifestations aren't always beautiful. yet, there is beauty in everything if you look for it. that has been the turn around in me over the last few days. i remembered my beauty and it unlocked the beauty i can get from this situation. 

but will you remember me?  

megan spoke about a worry that she may not have the same things (if anything) in common with the friends she left back home. i feel that unless you have traveled abroad and really soaked in a new culture, you may not fully understand this fear. yes, this can be done on a smaller scale, such as moving states, etc...but there is something bigger about that process when a foreign country is involved. i'm not talking a week vacation (though some will warrant a change), i'm talking a full on journey for at least a few weeks.  

there is something about being ripped of your language, comforts, friends, family, pets, apartments, cars, food, and (in my case) sex, that makes you get real honest with yourself real fucking fast... you will see what you are made of, what you are about, and your view of others changes as well. scary? yes! necessary? hell yes!  

i wonder, in life, how many people actually get to the core of who they really are...good and bad..how many people allow themselves to face it?  

the conversation with my father was on the same subject, but he brought up relationships. my father knows what his daughters are capable of. his biggest fear is that we will not find men worthy of all we have to offer to this world, let alone a relationship. hearing that, from my father, is humbling, but it's a valid concern. we live in a world where more women are making power moves. more women are aiming for higher education and their own business practices, ESPECIALLY in the minority community. i happen to be one of those women in all of those categories, attach world traveling and networking to that while you're at it. shit i'll say it...i know what i am worth, and frankly i am the bomb. period. (mind you, i think EVERYONE should feel that way about themselves). so with that...and now with the intensity of this journey...i ask...  

will you remember me? will you remember the way i was, and respect how i've grown? will you understand the mentality i have when i return? will you be by my side when i leave to travel again? will you be the compliment? because i will for you... (go after your dream life...) 

follow me @ http://evierobbie.blogspot.com and twitter.com/evierobbie

mirror mirror on the wall...

I am just waking up from a meditation sleep. That happens when I am so gone that I look to meditation to help bring me back to...me.

I've had a rough three weeks out here in Japan, but in light of all the bullshit I feel like I am finding some answers as to why the hell I am really out here in the first place. Tonight I will make a list of the positive things I can get out of this journey, wretched as it is right now. 

This afternoon, in my personal journal, I started a really intense entry that I'm sure to finish before bed. I have to finish it because I want no remnants of it left in my mind. 

I pretty much put the mirror up to my face and wrote down every single thing that I find negative about myself. Sound like torture? Hell fucking yes it is, but peep the method to my madness...

I'm reading "The Places That Scare You" for the second time, and it speaks about the idea of finding comfort in your pain, even in your fear. How true growth is about facing all the demons that we run from through daily routines, drugs, sex, working out, you get the gist (pretty much any routine we have for coping)... It's about ending routines and constantly challenging yourself; therefore constantly growing.

So this morning, looking like pure shit at work, I held the mirror up to my face and let it rip. I think that damn thing cracked about a  dozen times before I was finished. I mean I have a list of EVERYTHING I ever despised about myself. I don't know if you have ever done this with yourself, but I recommend it. You have my forewarning: this is the type of shit that nightmares are made of, only worse, because (well) it's real talk, and it's you. The key is to do this with compassion. You have to be compassionate with yourself. The point of this is not psychological warfare, so don't go judging yourself as a bad person. Just write it, then read it. 

I'm in phase two now....the sitting with it part. Within this ugly practice, I am taking control of becoming a better woman by really facing what things are within my control to change. You'll notice very soon on that most of it is mental. As with everything else, it begins with a thought. After these past couple weeks, I have a lot of mental rearranging to do. 

Phase three will be the opposite for me. At twenty-five years old, what positive things have I done with my life? That's the fun part. That is the part that let's you toot your own horn and be proud of yourself. In essence, I feel that part is the real you. You'll find early on too, that those are probably more action based. 

I feel the next few weeks are going to be full of life lists....What can I do while I am here? What are my immediate goals, long-term goals? Who in my life is helping me? Who can go kick rocks? You get the idea... 

I dedicate this new blog, added writing site, and this readjusting positive mental state to Nelson Estevez. It took a conversation with him today (one of many) for me to realize I should have done this a long time ago. I explained how I was waiting to launch this once the big Evierobbie site was finished, but when I shut up and replayed my track I realized that it sounded like pure "caca" to my eardrums. Why wait, when you can work with what you have and build from there? A lesson I still have to implement from recently.

Here is to new beginnings....and me jacking your blogspot area!

Peace,

Evie