one with the Universe...

(I warn, this may be hard to read. Not as hard as it was writing it.)

Rudi,

Walking home from a day of long hours, on a shoot tonight, I realized I'd be by my computer around 12:45am tonight. From the newspaper articles I've been reading on your death, that was the same exact time, forty-eight hours ago, when you died. I remember being on the phone with Nelson, talking about following our life's passions, exactly forty-eight hours ago, not knowing you were in Norwalk taking your last ride.
The newspaper also said that your motorcycle (which many people, including myself didn't know you'd purchased) hit a curb, became airborne, and landed in an intersection. You didn't have a license for the bike, nor were you wearing a helmet, and your were pronounced dead on arrival. These are the facts...
Rudi, I'm angry. I'm livid. I'm pissed because deep in my heart I feel this didn't have to happen. I don't know what made you purchase the fucking thing, nor do I know what made you get on it forty-eight hours ago. All I know is you are gone...
I've been trying to use detachment as a way of coping with this all. It's still so surreal. I would deflect my sadness onto others I saw as being closer to you than I...Fedler, Tommy, Jimmy, your family...I would say things to myself like, "But they must really be feeling it." Yea, well bullshitting myself has officially ceased because in reality, few people were as close to you as I was.
I have been fortunate enough as to have you in my life as a best friend, BEST FRIEND all through college, lover, and boyfriend for a short while. Few people on this Earth know my ins and outs the way you do, and the love you had for me was unconditional, eternal, and sometimes scary. Just keeping it real.
I'm getting many messages from people, some I've never met, who are genuinely worried about me. I feel like I'm in a bit of a fish bowl and I was so close that it was too close. I feel like people see, or speak with me, and it's one of the closest connections they have to you. For some, it's too much to handle, especially if I break down.
Truthfully, I'm scared. I'm scared of myself and what my reaction(s) are going to be as time goes on. I'm terrified of the possibility of seeing your lifeless body, and trying to cope with the idea that I will not hear your voice, from you. I'm nervous to see Josh, Fedler, Kennedy...I am so fucking scared.
I cannot bring myself to write an RIP, or to sign a message like this on your Facebook page. Within hours, your updates and life, turned into a shrine of memories. I can't fathom that.
There are too many memories to name. We knew everything about each other and there are intimate moments that only you and I can recollect. Josh and I spoke about how you aren't going to be around to see him and Chanel wed. I told him about your 'affection' and how I still have it. I think I'm going to bring it to the wake.
Rudi, this is tearing me apart because I truly feel this didn't have to occur. You were on your way. It was evident to us all.
I truly feel, I can say that no one knows your passion for DJing like me. As you've told me on many occasion, I take the crown on that one. I may have bought that first lesson, but YOU kept going with it. You took it to another level. When everyone else thought you were crazy, you knew I was there and had your back 100%. That was how we rolled. I am so proud of you. And, in your passing, if there is one thing I am truly happy for it's that you are being noted as a DJ!!! That is your legacy. You would have it no other way.
In my eyes, you were always a DJ, but more importantly you were a best friend. You are now the most official guardian angel I could ever ask for. I don't worry because you can protect me now in a way far beyond the reach of anything you could have done while in your physical shell. You are now a part of the Universe that I would talk to you about in length. All my Law of Attraction talk, that you eventually started to play with on your own. You are truly one with the Universe. Forever.
I ask for you to look over me during your services. I really don't want to pass out, and you know how I do with the anxiety attacks. I remember you telling me that I got them because I was a genius, and I thought to much.
I ask for you to just give me strength and guidance through all future trials and tribulations, this one now...being you. Your energy is with me always. I love you!

V, Vivi, Verbal...Evita

Donations to his family can be made at http://www.itsdjgenius.com

courage...

You are supposed to do at least one thing, everyday, that scares you.
What is the one thing you could do to test yourself, define yourself, push yourself, right now?
I am at a point in my life where I am aware of the preparation I'm enduring in order to be able to approach the opportunities that will set me up for the rest of my life.
The rest of my life...such an vast time frame.
Everything is happening as it should. The Universe is helping to shape me and direct me as to where I'm supposed to be. My eyes and energy are wide open.

imagination at work...

Simply put...what the imagination can conceive, the wo(man) can achieve.
This video inspire me beyond words.

approaching India...

This time last year, I shared some of the same feelings I am experiencing now. Confusion. Anxiety. Apprehension. Excitement. Adventure.

This time around it is a reverse in geography. Then, I was leaving New York to head to Japan. Now, I am leaving Japan, headed to New York, while approaching India first.

Stephanie and Melissa are already on their plane from NYC, headed to Delhi. I will be meeting them, at Nirvana Hostel (check my facebook friends, they are on here) for us women to embark on a journey of self-reflection, revelation, and adventure. I began planning this trip months ago with myself as he only occupant. I am happy to be sharing it with these ambitious ladies.

India is far more than a trip, another installment in Nomad•ness, and another stamp in my passport. India represents a manifestation of a dream.
My top three dream trips are Egypt, India, and Greece. Though I have traveled to many places, these three, I have not.

Two years ago, I remember vividly, laying on my bed in the Bronx, on the phone with my younger sister and talking about going to India. The prospect of travel is something both of us have inherited, much from our father. During this phone call, I could envision seeing the vibrant colors of the cities. I could taste the magnitude of the Taj Mahal.

Sarafina spoke about her interest in visiting the Motherland, South Africa specifically. Both of us took our brains on a wanderlust that night. One phone call.

Two years later...2010.

February 1st my sister departed for South Africa/Namibia and will be there until April 1st.
February 26th I depart Tokyo, Japan for India to conquer three cities in ten days.

As my mother always says, "It's never a matter of 'if'. It's always a matter of when."